Today on Good Morning America they had the results of a scientific study which found that "attractive" children are 300% more likely than "unattractive" children to be buckled into the safety seat of a grocery cart. Apparently on some deep subconcious level, parents are not as concerned about the safety and well-being of the homely progeny as they are about the cuties.
I have to say, as someone who didn't grow hair until right around kindergarten and was thus being constantly mistaken for an effeminate boy, I found this all incredibly disturbing. Of course all the parents interviewed for the piece thought it was baloney (or bologna, if you prefer); they said that a parent would love their child and protect him/her no matter what they happened to look like. Still you have to wonder, I mean it was a scientific study, done by scientists. Why would they go around just making things up for Good Morning America? Just to fuck with us? Surely there is some kind of scientist oath of honor that prohibits that kind of thing.
And who's evaluating which babies are attractive, that's the other thing about it. Obviously that's pretty subjective. For example, there are lots of people who find Barry Manilow attractive, they go to his concerts and throw thong underwear at his head and sing at the top of their lungs when he does "Mandy", completely oblivious to - well, I don't have to say it out loud, right? We can all see where I'm headed with that, I think.
Anyway, it's befuddling. Just like the fact that some women seem to turn into drooling piles of estrogen when they see Dave Navarro, or Kid Rock, or Tommy Lee, or Kobe Bryant (although I think his allure is a little tarnished these days. Rape charges will do that for a fella.)
But, oh, the most disturbing part of the segment was when they went into this public school with two actresses, "A" - who was the more traditionally attractive one, I suppose, and "B", who was not. They had each of the actresses read the children a story, "Frog and Toad Forever" (great story by the way, I highly recommend it) and then later on they ask the kids which teacher was the best. ALL the kids raised their hands for the hottie. And when John Stossil (see, there's another example, I'm sure at least his wife finds him attractive) asked the kids, "So do you like having a pretty teacher?" all the kids said, "YES!" And when he asked why, this one boy raised his hand and said, "Because when you're pretty that means you're smarter!" Ouch! The naked truth, out of the mouths of babes! I know my experience has completely upheld that theory; I mean in our school the prettiest girls were definitely the smartest*! And they had the best sense of humor*, and the highest ideals*, and they were by far the most chaste!*
*these are lies.
For those of you reading who are not career actors, let me throw in a little aside here which you may find illuminating. You ever watch a movie or a t.v. show and they have like a great big huge ugly person in it, like in that movie Seven where they have the obese man that gets murdered as punishment for gluttony? Or Anne Ramsey in Throw Momma From the Train? And you wonder, I wonder how they go about finding the great big huge ugly fat person? Do they just put out an ad for "great big huge ugly fat person"? Actually, dear readers, that is exactly what they do. The casting person gets what's called the breakdown, and right there in it will be a description of exactly what they want. "Face like the back of a truck." "Ass the size of a truck." "Massive herpetic outbreak, preferably near mouth. Must have valid license to drive truck." And then the agent calls up these unfortunates and says, "I've got the perfect part for you!" And no one gives a second thought to feelings, because it's just supposed to be a job.
And it is a job. Yet I couldn't help feeling mildly sorry for the actress playing teacher B. There was nothing really objectionable about her appearance, it's not like you would look at her and start bleeding out your eyes or anything. She just wasn't what Good Morning America considers 'traditionally beautiful'. For that matter, neither am I. But would I have accepted the SAG day rate to be denigrated by that moustache John Stossil, go into a public school to read a story to kids only to be torn apart by them for not being attractive enough after I left the room? Would I have swallowed my pride in myself and my looks just for something as empty and as fleeting as money?
You bet your ass I would.
So email me, Good Morning America! I'm at your disposal. Just make sure craft services keeps the mini-quiche coming.