I had a meeting today with a commercial agent that Kelly recommended me to (thanks, Kelly!) Commercial agents are the people who get actors work doing the really humiliating stuff, like that Verizon guy who goes around muttering, "Can you hear me now?" That guy bugs so hard. He's worth like a million dollars though.
I found myself sitting there in this waiting room reading over this copy, which I was supposed to prepare to read in front of the agent. It went vaguely like this:
"I hate ordinary things. That's why I discovered Ruffles potato chips - the ones with the ridges! I used to just serve them at parties and such, but now I eat them with everything. 'Cause they taste better!"
Ruffles are good, I'll give them that. Too bad my dignity has such a bitter aftertaste.
There is just something so inherently surreal about sitting in an office trying to get turned on about a potato chip. I'm getting better at this stuff but I don't know if I'll ever actually like doing it. I remember one commercial I auditioned for in Chicago where I had to pretend to be one of those lottery balls that pops up into the machine when they pick the winners. I didn't really book that one, which I should probably have anticipated, since I never win the lottery, either. I always wind up staring at the ticket going, "Hm...there must be some mistake. None of these numbers are the same as the winning ones. How vexing."
But I would be more than happy to be making a few bob off a commercial instead of the restaurant gig. I think I am getting too old for this. I keep having these waiter nightmares where I just run around pouring iced tea refills all night long and I wake up feeling like I never left work at all. So, maybe I have mental health issues concerning the food service industry. But I'll hock the shit out of some Charmin or whatever else someone wants me to whore for. Don't get me wrong, I mean I have standards, but not when it comes to my career.
Ahem.
In other news, the Post featured my landlord in a front page story about New York's top ten worst landlords. Apparently he snagged one of the coveted positions! Congratulations, Baruch Singer. Is there a greeting card for this? I don't want to commit a serious tennant faux pas by failing to acknowledge this honor.
Apparently there have been a host of really grody problems in his buildings, and I don't just mean rats and vermin and the like. He had a building with a staircase that collapsed from disrepair and killed like four people. Death! His building caused death! Remind me to shut my piehole next time I get the jones to complain about my water pressure.
I don't know why it should surprise me that I have one of the top ten worst landlords. I've had one of the top ten worst haircuts, the top ten worst cab drivers, the top ten worst sex partners (not you, sweetie. Also, confidential to Mike Long - nipples aren't chew toys. Your future wife will thank me.) If there's someone or something in the top ten worst, it's bound to intersect my life at some point. At least now I know how to avoid the substandard potato chip.
You learn something new every day.
Comments (8)
now, i COULD get really excited about a potato chip. it is the one food i really miss since i started the south beach diet. but, you SHOULD be able to get yourself in the mood to go all weak kneed over a potato chip--isn't that ACTING??? you just ACT like you are crazy over the potato chips! that's what YOU went to COLLEGE for!!! and that landlord thing...it's so typical...our family seems to attract weirdos(or is it weirdoes? or, is it ie instead of ei?) pbp
Posted by auntie patti | July 28, 2005 9:48 PM
Posted on July 28, 2005 21:48
maybe you could write your blog for a local paper a la carrie bradshaw in s&tc...you are freakin' hysterical...second to me, of course
Posted by kimber | July 28, 2005 11:48 PM
Posted on July 28, 2005 23:48
Haha...how come you have all the fun and the rest of us are forced to live normal, boring lives in abscense of ruffled potatoe chips and freaky landlords? (They don't even HAVE potatoe chips over here in Austria....can you imagine?!? I can't wait to be back in good 'ol fatty-food America...all they seem to wanna eat over here is salad...and I have kinda lost my love of lettuce and such.) Glad that you are keeping yourself entertained!
Posted by Melissa | July 29, 2005 3:33 AM
Posted on July 29, 2005 03:33
I never saw you with one of the top ten worst haircuts...unless it was that virtual haircut you got one time. I, on the other hand, made the mistake once in college of going to a former high school classmate for a "trim". I was poor and she was cheap. My second mistake was to fall asleep in the chair...I'd been up all night studying for a final. When I woke up, I looked like the victim of a pack of jealous teenage girls in a Lifetime movie! I had to wear a babushka for six weeks! Thank God babushkas were in style back then. My friend Sandy actually had her bridesmaids wear babushkas in her wedding...wicked stupid looking, and probably the reason the marriage didn't last. Love you tons! Keep making me laugh!
Posted by Auntie Janice | July 29, 2005 7:51 AM
Posted on July 29, 2005 07:51
As a mother (not your mother, but a mother nonetheless) it concerns me that your landlord made it on the list of New York's top 10 worst landlords. Yikes! Now I'll have to start worrying about you living in squalor. :) Good luck with the commercial thing. Hey, whatever gets the bills paid, right? Love you tons!
Posted by Tonya | July 29, 2005 8:59 AM
Posted on July 29, 2005 08:59
Jessica, you crack me up... I love reading your stuff, it gives me a daily giggle just thinking about it. You tell that yucky landlord gut you have 3 aunts who eill scratch his eyeballs out if anything happens to you...
love you, kathy
Posted by Anonymous | August 3, 2005 9:10 PM
Posted on August 3, 2005 21:10
I clicked a link over at Weetabix's space, to see just whom she thinks she will get into a fistfight with, at Journalcon. I stayed and read, because you are quite humorous, and interesting in a your-life-couldn't-be-more-opposite-mine sort of way. Hence, I've bookmarked your site for future reading. How could I not, when you cite "Stunning Marisa Tomei impression" on your resume?? As an Upstate New York part-time-bartender-who-ISN'T-an-unemployed-actress, I find your tales of the City fascinating. Keep them coming! Best luck in your career endeavors! (Or, is that bad luck to say? Should I be telling you to 'Break a leg' in your career endeavors? Or to break legs to obtain career endeavors?? Something? Anyhow.) Take care! :)
Posted by serena (Of serenaville) | August 10, 2005 8:44 AM
Posted on August 10, 2005 08:44
Oh, heavens. I completely mucked up my diary referral source... I found you through Plain-Jane's links, not through Weetabix. Mea culpa, and apologies for the confusion! You must be all like, "What?? Someone wants to engage in fisticuffs with me? What is Journalcon, anyhow? Who IS this raving woman come to my blog spouting falsehoods? Off with her head!" I know you're thinking that, don't fib! ;D Again, so sorry for the mix-up!
Posted by serena (Of serenaville) | August 10, 2005 8:54 AM
Posted on August 10, 2005 08:54