The Chronicles Of Jessica

If anyone from the retail clothing industry happens to be reading this entry, I would like to offer you a key piece of unsolicited advice. Get some more flattering lights and mirrors in your dressing rooms! I am telling you, you could wind up with hordes of otherwise stable women committing violent acts upon either themselves or well-meaning sales ladies after trying on your clothes. And you know those blood stains are a bitch to get out. Trust me on this, in the long run you'll save yourself money.

I was ready to perpetrate some violence myself today, when I stopped in to this store to try on a bridesmaid's dress for my friend Kate's wedding. I was fairly horrified at how chunky and pasty I looked during the process, but I blame the bad lighting for at least eighty percent of the problem. Luckily the sound of gentle sobbing seemed not to be a direct impediment to business as usual at RK Bridal.

It's gotten me thinking. I could, I suppose, redouble my efforts to lose a few more pounds. But it's almost like I had this unofficial meeting my body a while back, and the upshot was this:

Sooooo. Here's the thing, Jessie Baby - if you're interested in losing any more weight we're gonna have to talk logistics. Now, we are willing to concede the last 10 pounds, and totally keep 'em off for you, but I'm afraid the only things you can eat from here on in are pretty much raw spinnach and steamed chicken breasts. Well, and the occasional handful of uncooked brown rice. You know how sometimes you like to have a couple of beers and a pizza with the gals? Yeah, forget that. Not going to work for us. No bagels, no cheese, no french fries, no nothing. And we are very serious about this; if one slice of pepperoni crosses your lips, the deal is off and we blow your ass up like Nell Carter's. In return for these concessions we are absolutely willing to hold up our end of the bargain; you will stay slim and trim and as an added bonus, you'll probably be able to fit into a pair of those low rise jeans that the ladies are so into now!

PS - Do not even so much as look at a plate of wings.

I'm still debating the terms. I hate low-rise jeans anyway. The point completely escapes me. When I was growing up it was considered a bad thing to show your ass. We bought clothes with the specific intent of covering our asses and the exposure of any part of the ass was considered embarassing and something to be avoided. Now it's like butt crack is the new cleavage. Are we supposed to be perfuming this area now, too? Applying shimmery lotion to enhance and to draw the eye? I just can't make this adjustment; my whole life up I've been actively trying to draw attention to anyplace BUT my butt.

Maybe I should write to my congressman. Hey, why not get the goverment involved? I'll lay odds this is a bigger hot button issue for most American women than TORT reform or social security. And while I'm making suggestions, if they can't improve the ambiance, these bridal shops should really think about offering either valium or a stiff drink with purchase. It'd be appreciated so much more than a damn gift bag.