The Chronicles Of Jessica

Hello, gentle readers. It's been quite a week for the J.D. The sketch show I'm doing downtown was due to open Thursday December the 8th, so I've been busy getting that together and getting ready to leave the city for Virginia next week, then there's been work, and of course the odd medical emergency.

Medical emergency, you're saying. Who had a medical emergency? Well, as it turned out, one of my esteemed colleagues had a medical emergency which I managed to diagnose without even the benefit of the internet! I saved a life with a cellphone and five dollars cab fare!! Eat it, Trapper John MD!

Actually, it wasn't quite as dramatic as all that, but my friend John in the cast with me did "present" (that's medical talk, don't you know) with a fever and abdominal pain at our dress rehearsal Wednesday night. He had been sick all week, but on Wednesday he looked positively grey. So I inquired as to the symptoms and somehow, amazingly, I intuited that he had appendicitis. It was truly a medical miracle, especially considering that the extent of my knowledge of medicine consists of what Noah Wyle and the gang impart each week on ER. And I really only watch the reruns, so any diseases or treatments that have emerged over the past four or five years would pretty much be beyond my scope.

But I called Auntie Kathy to get her second opinion before I ordered further testing, and she agreed that it sounded like appendicitis. (Or possibly, diverticulitis. But I know John to be a strict Catholic, so I didn't think that could really be it. )

I took him in a taxi over to NYU medical center. The taxi driver was incredibly uninterested in why we were headed to the emergency room. He didn't even ask, although after I described the symptoms he concurred with the conclusions my staff and I had already reached.

Seriously, I would think if you drove a cab the only time things are really going to get interesting is if you pick up someone with a bona fide medical emergency. Hasn't this guy EVER seen "Taxi"? Doesn't he know that at any time he could be called upon to deliver a baby to non-english speaking immigrants after the wife's water breaks in the backseat? His sense of urgency was nil. But I was pleased that he obeyed all traffic laws.

Seven (very loooong) hours later, I went home to get some sleep and John stayed behind to have his appendectomy. Big shout out to NYU medical center. They were awesome and if I ever need anything removed they will be the first ones I call. I was actually pretty surprised that the emergency room itself was pretty tranquil. No shootings, no stabbings, no scalpings. Whatup? I would have at least expected to see someone who had been hit by a car, because I have noticed an alarming New York trend lately: People will just walk right out into traffic and to ward off the oncoming cars, they just hold their hand out in a 'talk-to-the-hand' type gesture. They just - hold up their hand and then walk in front of a bus. You have to admire that kind of moxie, at least, until you're the one who's behind the wheel. Then it's just grounds for an ass-kicking.

Anyway, all's well that ends well. John is recuperating nicely, and he'll be back in time to do the show on Thursday. We managed to pull it off without him last weekend, but it'll be that much better once he's back in. So, um, if you saw the show already you should consider coming back! OH COME ON!!!! I guess you have Christmas shopping to do, huh? Yeah. I know how that is.

Well, it's so cold in New York that I long for the sweet release of death, but at least I only have a few more days. Not that Virginia is, say, Bermuda, but I'll settle for being on the right side of the Mason Dixon line. I'll probably be dormant until the new year, but expect lots of riveting updates in January and beyond! It's my New Year's resolution to get lots and lots of money. That'll be fun, eh?

Oh, and fare thee well, John's appendix. We hardly knew ye.