The Chronicles Of Jessica

So you've undoubtedly heard that Mel Gibson got arrested for drunk driving. And if you haven't heard about this, you need to come out from under your rock and have a look around. I have to say, I don't understand any part of this story, not in the slightest. My chief confusion arises from the simple fact that if I had the scratch Mel Gibson has, the very first thing I would do would be to renounce driving forever. I would give it up! I would swear it off, just like my grandmother. (Of course, legend tells us that Mem gave up driving the day of her very first lesson when she plowed the family car through the side of the garage. Still, she's gotten along fine without.)

The point is, driving is kind of a pain in the ass, especially in Los Angeles. Los Angeles is the birthplace of road rage, because the traffic is so horrific that everyone just sits in their car breathing in the pollution and thinking up ways to commit homicide on the douchebag next to them in the Fiat with the bumpersticker that says, "Your karma ran over my dogma."

So here's Mel, all the money in the world at his disposal, still choosing to drive himself around. It makes no sense. A chauffeur is the birthright of the rich, it's practically as compulsory as a gold card. No more parking tickets, no more speeding tickets, no worrying about whether or not you need to gas up. No trying to wangle your cheeseburger and keep ketchup off your blouse while you drive with your knee. You could sit in the backseat and carve a turkey if you feel like it, you're rich for God's sake! And that's eccentric! And really, why in the world would the man be driving around drunk? I have never understood drunk driving, ever. When I'm drunk (which is never, of course) but let's say in my wilder, more youthful days, the last thing I ever wanted to do was get in a car and drive around. I was much more likely to engage myself in the sorts of tasks which require little in the way of motor skills, you know, like napping on the floor of the bathroom. (Oooh...the tile feels so cool...gurgle....)

Well, I can't feel too alarmed by the whole thing, really. I've never been a huge Mel Gibson fan. I only ever saw one of those Lethal Weapon movies and I think it was one of the newer ones because he'd gotten rid of his patented Super-Action-Star-Eighties mullet by then.

Come to think of it, that's probably when it all started to go downhill for him.