The Chronicles Of Jessica

Ever heard of a grill? Not the thing on the front of the car that bats fly into and get stuck in, and not the one you use for burgers and dogs; this grill is apparently all the rage with the kids - and has been for a while - and I just found out about it today.

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A grill is a kind of bling for the teeth. Apparently dentists are trying to discourage the practice because it's damaging to the enamel. But I hear there is a guy RIGHT HERE IN STAUNTON who has an amazing grill which actually spells out the letters of his name across his top teeth. This is something I might consider myself, but "J-E-S-S-I-C-A" is a little long for the purpose. I wouldn't want people peering off into the sides of my gums trying to see the J and the A. My flossing habits won't bear up under that level of scrutiny.

I've got a little score to settle with someone around here, readers, and it isn't gonna be pretty for them if I ever figure out who the hell they are. See, a couple of weeks ago I came out in the morning to head to work and found that someone had sideswiped my car in the middle of the night, apparently in a car that wasn't exactly right off the lot, because little rusted bolts and pieces of metal from it were spread out all over the pavement.

Well, what can you do? I was bummed out, of course, but seeing as there were no eyewitnesses, there wasn't much to do but shine it on. Until I came out last Thursday to find that I had been sideswiped AGAIN, and this time a little more vigorously than the first time. Now the whole passenger side of the car looks like I got a little too friendly with a brick wall and all because I had the temerity to park it in front of my house. Cripes.

I was watching this old rerun of Dick Cavett where he was interviewing Bette Davis and she was just so elegant and bizarre and old school Hollywood, I just got such a kick out of it. She was out there, man, I freakin' love Bette Davis. I bet her car never got sideswiped by a drunk redneck. And even if it did, I bet you she would have tracked him down and given him the crazy big eye until he fell to the ground and begged for mercy.

Other things that are chapping my ass this week include:

1. A veritable infestation of crickets in our apartment. Ew. And I love Paul, and he knows about taking out the garbage and lifting heavy things, but he never got the memo that the man has to kill the bug. I have to wonder if feminism has really served me in this particular instance.

2. There is nothing on tv worth watching, ever, at all, but if we ever even want to watch the news we have to pay for cable, which costs $50 a month. For nothing. Well not nothing, but I don't think you could call 'Saved by the Bell' reruns and a reality show about the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders substantive.

And 3, I can't find anyone to sell me any fucking spinnach. What is the problem? They found the source of the e coli, the scare is over, we all know to wash it well before we eat it, now it's buyer beware, okay?! If I want to risk food poisoning that is my right as a consumer. I'm looking to drop a few pounds anyway.