The Chronicles Of Jessica

(Hey, check out my new design theme! Marcus is making some updates for me. We love Marcus! He understands...things...on the computer. And is winning and handsome.)

Some things I don't get.

For instance, it's 9 degrees out right now and everywhere I go I see these young girls with no coat on. Did it recently become uncool to properly protect yourself in 9 degree weather, because I didn't get the memo. Or is Generation Z just impervious to extreme weather conditions? I don't think that can be it, because once summer rolls around you know I'll be seeing these exact same girls trotting around town with their fun-bags barely covered by a skimpy tank top that says "Beg Me For It" in sequins across the front.

I had that tank top for a while myself but then a bunch of the spangles fell off at the dry cleaner. Stupid Bedazzler. I should never have been sucked in without a solid warrantee.

Something else I've noticed that is an odd trend: Didn't rehab used to be for people who had problems with drugs and alcohol? Now it seems like they have a rehab for just about anything, especially if all you really need is a convenient respite from the press. There's Isaiah Washington, who made some rather unflattering remarks about a homosexual coworker and now has entered a residential treatment facility. Apparently, you can go to rehab to learn not to hate gays?! That's incredible! There's really nothing those 12 steps can't help with!

I had no idea. If rehab is this comprehensive, I can think of several things we should start sending people in for. To wit:

• Chronic subscribing to Weekly World News
• Unnatural reliance on the Home & Garden Network (yes, mother, I'm looking straight at you.)
• B.O.
• Bad customer service.
• Repeated insistence that Iraq has weapons of mass destruction (could probably get a decent group rate on that one)
• Spitting, anywhere other than a sink or dentist's office
• Falling asleep/reading "People"/knitting during plays (bit of an earmark for me there, I admit.)

And speaking of gay, Ted Haggard has emerged from his rehab experience and assures the press that he is now 100% hetero. Ta da! It's like magic, this rehab! What a relief it must be to Ted's wife; three weeks of counseling was all it took to undo the damage caused to their marriage by years of his closeted methamphetamine-fueled same-sex frolicking. Life in the Haggard household is normal again. Ahhhhh.

It's too bad about the Bears losing the Super bowl. I should probably check on my friends Kelly and Steve and make sure they haven't committed suicide. Paul and I didn't watch the game, we didn't even know it was Super bowl Sunday until we saw a special on Festingos Tortilla chips at the Giant (buy one, get one free.) Paul was hiding out in the office while I watched the Monk marathon on USA. I haven't really had cable tv over the last few years, so I haven't seen this show many times before but it's GOLD! Two thumbs up. Anyway, it's not that I'm anti-football, I just get confused. I kind of need someone around to explain what's happening, like, the entire time. There are so many penalties and plays and fouls and filibusters - I can't keep up, I just can't. Jimmy tried to make some headway in this department a few years back, and he was really making progress, too, but you'd be surprised how many people are not willing to do this for you when they're trying to have fun watching football. I've lost all headway since then. Maybe there's a sports rehab that could help me.