The Chronicles Of Jessica

You know how California is like getting ready to separate from North America and float out to sea? Can't we do the same thing to Texas, just like perforate them somehow and set them adrift?

I don't mean any disrespect to any Texans who are readers, but as far as I know, I only have Fallon and I don't know that she really counts, anyway. I've never seen her in a cowboy hat and she doesn't have any kind of extensive knowledge about the Alamo that I can see. She does make good guacamole, but that could just be a coincidence. Anyway - first they unleash George Bush on us and now this - what is with people out there? Has the heat fried their brains?

For those of you too lazy or disinterested to follow the link, I will sum up. This lady from Texas left a couple of huge boxes of honkin' diamond rings (apparently she's a jeweler) in the trunk of this guy's taxi in New York city, along with a thirty cent tip (ouch!). Then he ran all over town making calls and everything, finally found her, and she compensated him with a $100 reward.

Is it just me, or is this woman the biggest cheapskate E.V.E.R? First of all, I would probably have at least given him one of the diamond rings for his girlfriend or something. $100 bucks seems a little paltry for what he saved her from going through, don't you think? And second, thirty cents is a pretty damn lousy tip unless the cabbie is driving you, like, across the street. And it's not like she didn't have the change, because he was breaking a twenty for her. Most places in New York would probably charge you a thirty cent fee just to break the twenty. They are not fond of making change in that city, let me tell you. And yet no one has ever adjusted the ATM's so that you can get less than twenty dollars out, or specify what denominations you want.

I always found that annoying, so what I would do when I first moved to New York is go to the Duane Reade (that's the drugstore, for you non-Applers) and buy something small that I needed, you know, like deodarant or Playgirl, and then choose the cashback option with the debit card. Then you can tell the cashier, oh, could you give me some singles with that or whatever. This plan was genius, because there is a drugstore pretty much everywhere you go, and there's no surcharge to do this, unlike at a bank.

Until! One day, and I swear this is true - I went into the Duane Reade and the cashback option had been disabled on the little machine. So I asked the cashier and she says, "We don't have cashback." And I say, "Oh, did you stop offering that?" and SHE says, "We've never had that." Well, whatever. I figured she was new. But upon subsequent trips to the Duane Reade, I would inquire with different cashiers at various locations and kept getting the same answer - "We've never had cashback."

Well, maybe the Duane Reade corporation had succeeded in brainwashing an entire fleet of employees but they were NOT going to pull one over on me. I wrote to the company, asking for an explanation as to why they no longer offered the cashback feature with debit card purchase and do you know what they said? "We've never had that." Okay - STOP LYING! You did have it, because I used to use it all the time and it was my special secret system for avoiding ATM surcharges and you hated that, didn't you? You just couldn't let that stand! No one can win except for you, you just had to be the big man, the big drugstore corporate man, forcing me to use your store ATM and laughing all the way to your overflowing vaults full of MY hard-earned money!!! Screw you, Duane Reade! Who is Duane Reade anyway - HE'S NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON!!!!

Um...

Yeah, so anyway, that bitch from Texas is pretty tight with a buck!

That's all I'm saying.