I have this friend, René Thornton Jr., who is a gifted and talented actor. He's also really sexy and quick with a laugh and a hoot and a half to hang out with. And for some reason, even though I had roundly dismissed the idea many times before, when he suggested to me that I should be looking into doing standup comedy, I started thinking more seriously about it.
And last week, I made my auspicious debut at a bar here in DC. I didn't tell anyone, or invite anyone, except for Paul and Julie, and they almost don't count because they know me so well they might as well be appendages. Anyway, I was only given a very short slot to start out with, as an insurance policy, because anyone who's ever seen standup knows how painful it is when the person tanks....and has to stand up there for another ten minutes. There's nothing worse. You start wondering if Home Depot carries those sticks with the hooks on the end, you know, like they had in vaudeville. Or in the Loony Tunes cartoons; I get them mixed up.
The few days leading up to it I was reallllllly nervous. I always said I would never do standup for the same reason I never wanted to sing; there's nothing between you and the audience. Although at least if you're singing some crummy song you can blame it on the music or on the accompanist. When you've written your own material and you're up there, just you, it's a lot harder to lay blame on other people when they yank you off stage with that stick with the hook on the end (what IS that thing called?)
But then as the time drew near, I was writing my little material (or "bits", if you will) and funny ideas started coming to me (at least they seemed funny to me) and the next thing you know, I'm there and there are people there to watch me. Okay, not to watch me per se, but they were an audience and I had a microphone, so the end result was the same. I was kind of afraid, but I did it. I did something I had never done before! I got up there on the little stage, with that white-hot light in my face, and I made drunk people laugh! I don't know why I thought it would be that difficult; I've been making drunk people laugh since college, this was just more official. Also - a key corollary - I myself was not drunk. Thus the difference between an amateur and a professional experience.
So they invited me back to do it again the following week, and I said yes. Still not sure where I might be going with this, but in the meantime, I'm certainly not up to anything more pressing, careerwise. It's giving me a reason to write and a chance to perform a little bit and I'm grateful for that. And I look at it this way: This might be my one chance to really, FINALLY!, get close to Carrot Top.
Oh, I'll dial down the center for you, Carrot Top. Niiiiiiiiice and slow.