Recently I attended a "Buy One Get One Half Off" sale at Payless Shoe Source, a BOGO, according to Julie. Spring was in the air, and I decided that I was in need of some new shoes, and what with the poverty and all, decided to go to Payless instead of patronizing the Macy's shoe department, which is right downstairs.
Truthfully, I haven't ever been all that into shoes. I have some friends, like Keegan and Kristen Barner and Fallon, who know from shoes, and pick out really nice shoes, and enjoy spending money on shoes and like that. Though I have briefly ventured to their world, I never became a permanent resident. I could never really see the wisdom in spending a lot of money on something that is eventually going to get poop on it. I mean, eventually you're stepping in poop; if you're lucky, if you're in NYC it could be something way worse, like a CSI-level something - but I digress. The other thing is that most of the really cute and cool shoes tend to murder your feet when you have to do any amount of walking, and I just can't get down with that. If my feet ain't happy, ain't nobody happy. I once actually walked home from a New Year's eve party in Chicago with Sean Leonard in the snow in just my pantyhose (well, and my coat and dress but I had taken my heels off) because my shoes hurt my feet so damn bad that I was willing to risk frostbite to not have them on anymore.
God, I'm so hardcore.
Anyhootle. I went to Payless and I got two pairs of sandals for like $24, which is about right as far as what I consider to be a reasonable shoe expenditure. One pair of them were fine, I've worn them a few times and while I don't feel I could play lady basketball in them like in those old Easy Spirit commercials, they're perfectly serviceable. The other pair is evil. You know those packets of silica gel in the shoe boxes, the ones we're not supposed to eat? These shoes must have been packaged with Satan gel by mistake, because I wore them to walk down to this audition yesterday and by the time I got back, I had sprained just about every tendon in the tops of both my feet and I had a raw spot on my right one the size of a dime. Do you understand what I'm saying? A bargain has rendered me a cripple. I feel like staging a protest in front of that store and burning the shoes in effigy, except they probably wouldn't burn, they'd just singe a little and then stare smugly at me and maybe jump up and swat me in the nips a couple of times just to cause me more pain.
The worst part is, you know I'm going to hang on to these shoes just because I paid for them and can't take them back, and you know I'm going to put them in my closet and forget what they put me through, and end up wearing them again and having the exact same thing happen. This is what human beings do. We tend to forget the pain and only remember the good stuff. That's why the McRib keeps coming back, because people have blocked out the gastrointestinal distress and subsequent ass pain that it caused them and they only remember how much fun it was to say "McRib" and how pleasant it was to eat ribs in the middle of the day without having to pick out any of those pesky bones. Wasn't that a lark? We love the McRib!
People, we are never going to progress as a society until we can learn from our mistakes. Seriously - If we don't demand real food and quality footwear, the terrorists have already won.
Comments (5)
Somehow I knew when I started reading that the word "effigy" would be used at some point.
Score!
Posted by Marcus | May 10, 2007 11:39 AM
Posted on May 10, 2007 11:39
My dear, forgetting the pain and only remembering the good stuff is the ONLY reason that the human race has survived & multiplied - with or without properly fitting shoes. You will know what I mean when you have been through childbirth!
BTW,you still crack me up!
Love,
MOM
Posted by Barbara Russell | May 10, 2007 1:30 PM
Posted on May 10, 2007 13:30
Jess, you may not know this about your Auntie, but my right foot is a generous size 8, while my left foot is barely a size 7. Combine that with both feet being very narrow and bony, and a bone spur on one heel from years of skiing in Lang boots (affectionately called "Lang Bite" by us hardcore skiers), and I have myself some impossible feet to please. Oh yeah, did I mention the arthritis that has struck in my feet, causing my left big toe to take a serious left detour? Talk about ugly and painful! OMG! However, I will not wear Birkenstocks or any footwear that uses Velcro or looks old ladyish! Not me, not now, not ever! I still, and always will, wear cute girly shoes! I will cram my too-big right foot into a size 7.5, causing constant pain to my big toe in order to please my small foot. Either that, or wear size 8's to keep my big foot happy, and be forced to curl my left toes in a mostly vain attempt to keep my shoe from falling off, especially on stairs. I never used to wear sandals (you spelled that wrong in your blog, btw) because I was afraid the sight of my deformed big toe would send people screaming in the other direction. But I finally figured people don't have to look. And the saving grace is that my boobs are so big that I can't see my crooked toe anyway! You will all get to see/make fun of said toe at the wedding (consider yourselves forewarned), because I will probably have found some new toeless instruments of torture to wear!! And if that shopping trip happens to include a BOGO, all the better!!
Posted by Auntie Janice | May 10, 2007 2:42 PM
Posted on May 10, 2007 14:42
Ohmigod, I LOVE my feet and I LOVE shoes. My feet are tiny and so I always feel petite when I buy shoes, no matter how big my A-- is! Uncle Mark even refers to me as the Imelda Marcos of Saco, Maine! And speaking of A--ES, from your other blog, is yours a Boutet one or a Dunton one? I think it is the squashed peach Boutet one. Very SAD. I once had an erotic shoe buying experience which I will tell you about when I see you! Soon! Yippee! Auntie P
Posted by Auntie Patti | May 10, 2007 7:49 PM
Posted on May 10, 2007 19:49
Hey Jess! I just read this for the first time. Hmm... and we DID do a little shoe shopping this weekend! Loved it. I have to say, my lovely wedding shoes held me up and dancing ALL day and ALL night long... they were about $12.00 frmo Rack Room. The rest of my footwear... pricey and worth every penny. I can stand in any of my heals the whole damned day long... I can walk my dog in my heals... Having been trained while working at Victorias Secret also helped a great deal... but I have to say I DO love my shoes. There is one thing Ihave yet to conquer in any of my shoes, be they stilletos, wedges, flip-flops, whatever: that stupid GD hill in the alley from our house down to the Stonewall Jackson. Every time I walk down it I am CONVINCED I will land on my ass. Otherwise... the shoe thing is well... much more one of "my favorite things," even more than brown paper packages tied up in strings...
I will shoe shop with you ANY TIME!! :-)
And yes, Keegan and Fallon are ALWAYS right on target in the footwear.
Posted by Kristen Barner | July 8, 2007 9:02 PM
Posted on July 8, 2007 21:02