The Chronicles Of Jessica

Paul: I haven't even had coffee yet and you want me to be funny?

Jess: Everyone wants to know what happened! We can't leave them hanging!

Paul: Okay, well, we need to talk about our customer service superhero, Zachary Pappas.

Jess: Zachary Pappas is the only reason to NOT blow up US Airways and all their kin. He is awesome.

Paul: Now, he didn't go and physically stop the boat from leaving the dock with his bare hands, so he's really more of a semi-hero but a hero nonetheless. Everyone there was screaming at everyone behind any sort of a counter, but he kept a cool head and a good sense of humor.

Jess: Since we were definitely going to miss the boat by this time, Zach got us on a flight to St. Maarten the next morning at no extra charge.

Paul: I love that guy.

Jess: Can I make a joke about having a threesome with Zach Pappas?

Paul: (withering look)

Jess: You know, like because we liked him so much?

Paul: No.

Jess: Sigh. Okay.

Paul: But seriously, the real reason this guy was such a trooper was his endurance of the screaming Carnivites and other customers, making irrational demands and threats as though anyone behind a counter could shout "accio plane!" and get us on our way.

Jess: We finally got to Fort Lauderdale about 2 hours after the boat had left without us. As the plane descended you could actually see the cruise ships heading out to sea. It was really sad. As for the - what are we calling them, Carnivites?

Paul: Yeah, Carnivites.

Jess: Well, they raised such a stink that their boat actually waited for them. When we got to baggage claim there was a little Carnival representative in a red jacket waiting to escort them to the dock.

Paul: Lesson: Start an unruly gang, get what you want. Anyway, Ft. Lauderdale was where we would have to crash for the night, and I think "crash" is the only way to put it. One would not be "staying" or "relaxing" where we were. From the frightening cab ride to the suspicious looking hotel, it was like a night in Afghanistan with palm trees.

Jess: There was weeping. Then there was eating in a motel tiki lounge with a down-on-her-luck waitress named Bernadette. The next morning we had to get up at four thirty in the morning for the second time in a row to get the plane to St. Maarten so we could wait for the boat.

Paul: Hey, the restaurant manager gave us cheap/well-intentioned champagne!

Jess: It gave me the hiccups.

Paul: Ingrate.

Jess: Shh. My mom had booked us into the Westin St. Maarten which is a brand new hotel that's only been open since December. This was about when things started to really look up. The hotel was absolutely amazing, one of the nicest I've ever stayed in. Definitely the nicest one Paul has ever stayed in. He kept saying, "Why is everyone being so nice to us? It's freaking me out."

Paul: Well, it was. I suspected ULTERIOR MOTIVES.

Jess: The picture in Part I is the view from our room. Shyeah! I know, right? They had an awesome huge spa and I went and had an aromatherapy massage. If anyone is wondering what to give me for my upcoming birthday, I would like more aromatherapy massages. It doesn't neccessarily have to be in a professional setting; I would submit to being rubbed down by a homeless guy with some lemon pledge if it will evoke the lovely memories of the Hibiscus Spa in St. Maarten.

Coming soon in the third and final installment: We make it on to the boat, I get robbed of a karaoke title and Paul gets in a fistfight over a deck chair.