The Chronicles Of Jessica

I should grow bangs again, no?

Paul and I leave tomorrow for Julie's wedding in Alabama. Even though I've been married a little over a year now, this really makes me feel like I'm firmly in grownup-land.

Julie's been my best friend since I was thirteen. We met on the first day of high school, when I smiled broadly at her across the room during Mrs. Daniels' first-period English class, startling her and causing her to wonder if I was a mean girl or a weirdly way-too-nice girl. I'm amazed I was able to advance the friendship, given that I had on purple shorts and a glitter t shirt.

We had a lot in common. Boy crazy, actresses (we were both theatre students at the performing arts high school we went to), big chests, talkers, poor dancers...did I mention boy crazy? We bonded fast and, it now appears, for life. We haven't managed to live in the same city for more than six months at a time since we graduated high school, but that hasn't slowed us down.

I can't believe my dear, sweet, lovely friend is getting married on Saturday. This is the sixth of six weddings that Paul and I have been to since June, so it sort of snuck up on me. It just seems like yesterday that we were the young girls in this photo, bangs akimbo, unselfconscious grins, with everything in the world ahead of us. I feel as close to her now as I did then, and yet it seems almost an ocean of time has passed. Almost 20 years, in point of fact.

Julie is a brilliant, loving, patient, gift-that -keeps-on-giving kind of a friend. I consider that I had excellent judgment and foresight all those years ago to latch onto her and not let go. She's marrying a wonderful guy, Jamie, who I don't know yet as well as I will, but I do know this: he's the luckiest man on the planet.

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This is what she looks like all the time.

Wedding number six came off without a hitch! Here's a picture of Julie in her wedding dress with her new husband; I forget his name. Gorgeous food, gorgeous music, gorgeous people - this must be what it's like being Tyra Banks.

We had another wardrobe malfunction but it didn't compare to the last one in scope or drama. Paul forgot to pack a shirt to wear with his suit. So he called down to the front desk to ask for some help and they had a shirt, in the package, in his size. The only problem was that it was white, and short sleeved, so he couldn't take off his jacket all night. On the upside, if he ever wants to become a tech support guy or get a job at Radio Shack, he's all set.

So now with the election over and all the weddings concluded, life has become a little dull. Paul has a birthday coming up, so I have to figure out what to do for that since the first choice was to take him to that Star Trek hotel in Vegas and it apparently closed. Also we have no room for a pony, which was his second choice. Last year he was slaving away at Hilary-Land for his 30th birthday, and this year he has a class. I'm not exactly batting a thousand on the whole cool birthday planning bit, but there are forces beyond my control. Have you ever tried to get William Shatner to do a singing birthday telegram? Well, then you know: it's no walk in the park.

Of course, even though the election is over, the idiots are still on parade. I read yesterday that you can pre-order Joe the Plumber's book, "Fighting for the American Dream" on his website for $19.95 and receive access to his restricted internet forum. That price also includes a "Freedom Membership", which is strange because I thought just being an American was sort of my lifetime membership to freedom, but maybe this one comes with a t shirt or bobble head or something.

In the first place, why does Joe the Plumber get a frickin' book deal and I can't get a book deal? He's not funny! I've seen him a bunch of times on interviews, and at rallies, and....saying stuff - and he is not funny. Granted it's not like I've been trying to get a book deal, but I suspect he didn't, either. I suspect some dumbass publisher decided, "Hey! He has a pulse and a catchy phrase attached to his name! Let's give him a book deal!" Of course, not all books have to be funny. I realize that. But don't they have to be smart? If you're not going to be funny or attractive, you have to be smart! That's totally a rule.

And what, pray tell, is this book going to be about? Not plumbing, presumably his actual area of expertise, but his vision of American values. Wow. I can't think of anything I'd rather read less than Joe the Plumber's vision of American values. Let's say I was in an airplane bathroom, on a cross-country flight from Bangladesh, and there was a sudden drop in cabin pressure and because of a freak law of physics, my ass was suctioned onto the toilet seat with massive, impenetrable force, and the stewardesses were not going to be able to free me until the plane landed back in the United States, and the only thing they had to offer as reading material to pass the time was "Fighting for the American Dream" by Joe the Plumber - I still would not read that flaming pile of crap. I would politely thank them, decline, and commence to memorize the instructions on the sanitary napkins instead.