The Chronicles Of Jessica

Sorry, ladies, he's taken! Or maybe he's not. I don't really know this guy, honestly.

Over the weekend Paul and I got to talking about the term "wifebeater", a term which refers to the white ribbed tank top type of garment this anonymous gentleman from the internet is sporting. It is my contention that a guy I went to college with invented this term. Paul says no way, but his opinion has no basis in fact; he just thinks it's really unlikely that someone I went to college with could have invented a widely-used bit of slang. I don't think it's that unlikely! These terms have to come from somewhere! Does he think there are groups of people sitting around making this stuff up, like some kind of a cross between Brookings and SNL? I absolutely think that term was invented by a dude I know and was thusly ushered into the vernacular of the 90's. So there. I actually haven't heard anyone use the term in a while, because I think people started to catch on to the fact that it's a little bit horrid and sexist. Even though it's funny. Kind of like Sam Kinnison, or All in the Family.

Completely apart from how odd that guy looks in the wifebeater is the pitiable fact of the solo stache. The solo stache is rare in modern America, and there's a reason for it: singularly few men can pull it off. I can think of like 3 that aren't my father or fathers-in-law - Tom Selleck and...maybe the Mario Brothers. It's gotta either be full beard or nothing, fellas. You heard it here.

Speaking of the Brothers Mario, a video game has recently been introduced into my household, with less than benificent effects on my self-esteem. Paul got a Nintendo Wii as a birthday/graduation/Christmas gift from my family while we were up in Maine. He hooked it up to my little cousin's television before we even left to come back home and the addiction has continued to exert a mighty hold upon him ever since. He boxes. He plays something called "Smashbrothers". He plays tennis. He bowls. Now that sports are virtual, they are interesting to him. Amazing how that works. I, however, am pathetic, both at pixelated sports and at sports of the non-pixelated variety. I don't have your fancy hand-eye coordination, or that whole ability-to-keep-my-eyes-open-when-the-ball-is-coming-at-me thing.

I worry for my future children, with respect to these matters. Paul and I are going to be getting a baby at some point (if we can find a good one - do any of my readers belong to Costco? Reply in the comments pls) and I can't help but wonder who is going to teach them the gym-class/playground oriented skills that remains so crucial to one's happiness in those formative years. Neither Paul nor I were given to excel in the jockly arts. Are there consultants we can hire? If so is there a family rate available? These are the questions we will struggle with as parents but it might not be all bad. Maybe we could produce an instructional dvd with like Tiger Woods or Jack LaLanne, teaching dumpy asthmatic kids how to do calisthenics and spike a volleyball. Or at least how best to protect their headgear when the volleyball is coming at them! (Potential backers pls respond in the comments.)

Let's see, let's see....what else? Well I put a $1500 dent in the car on New Year's day which was unpleasant; at press time we still don't have the car back. It will probably be returned to us in once again pristine condition only to have some troglodytic half-wit senate page soused out of his mind vomit on it during the Inauguration next week. This place is about to become lawless and frightening which I guess is only fitting given that those two adjectives are ones I used repeatedly to describe the guy who's no longer going to be my neighbor come next Tuesday. Oh yeah! George W. Bush.

Bush. BUSH! You old so and so! Ha! What can I say, buddy!??! We had some times. The abuse of the constitution, the cronyism, the rape of the land - the memories. I won't forget you, man. I never could. To me, you'll always be the worst president that I have ever, ever had, or even pretty much heard of, unless we're counting despots and dudes named Mugabe and Amin. You keep it real, G Dub. Peace out.