The Chronicles Of Jessica

If I thought it was Bubbles, I wouldn't mind so much.**

Our street has had a ton of car breakins over the last couple of months, basically ever since the economy started going from pretty bad to as-crappy-as-anything-could-possibly-be. It's to the point where I'm checking the car from the upstairs windows several times a day when I'm home (conveniently I can usually see it from the bathroom window - I am nothing if not a multitasker.) The other night we had nine robberies within one block and yet somehow ours still has not been hit. I'm pretty obsessive about taking every single thing out of it after we go anywhere; there's not even a used tissue to be seen in our car. But I'm wondering if I should take further steps. Perhaps a big sign in the windshield saying, "There is nothing in this car but lint - shuffle along, cracky!" Of course I can't be sure that the thieves are crack addicts, but there are few other subgroups who're willing to smash a window at four in the morning just to get at some fuzzy change and a dried out packet of Armor-All wipes.

I've also considered just leaving the car doors open so people can rummage through and see for themselves that there's nothing there to take. This presents several problematic possibilities, not the least of which is having someone take up residence in the backseat. On the other hand, maybe we could claim them as a dependent and reduce our income tax burden for next year. There's good and bad with everything.

Apparently the police, whose precinct office is less than three blocks away, are being less than helpful. I'd be up for making a citizen's arrest if I actually caught someone in the act, but I don't have a gun or a nightstick or any handcuffs, which I think you need. Would someone acquiesce to a citizen's arrest if you just asked them nicely? How to keep them there while I waited for the police to come? Maybe I could sit on them. This might work for your leaner, petite type of criminal but if he was over 5"5 or so I'm not sure I'd be equal to the task. Maybe if I'd had a big lunch. But I can't prepare for every eventuality, so the clear solution is just to have Paul start sleeping in the car. It's probably warmer in there than in our bedroom anyway. Our landflaky promised to replace the windows in our apartment before the cold weather set in this year but that didn't happen, so you can pretty much see your breath in there these days. We'll be moving in June (which will not be soon enough for me) but in the meantime, we have to protect our assets.

I'll let him take the good pillows and the afghan from Grandma Fidalgo. He barely sleeps anyway. This'll work.

** Bubbles is a character from 'The Wire', on HBO. I would probably break into a car if it had Wire dvd's in it; that's how awesome this show is. I'm only in Season Three so do not tell me if something awful happens to Bubbles (and I know it will, because what else can happen to the homeless heroin junkie with the heart of gold?) because I don't know about it yet. Thank you.