The Chronicles Of Jessica

Where's my Mr. Furley?

Paul and I have to move to a new apartment in June. (See any previous entries for examples of why the apartment we live in now is the worst place in the history of renting and why our loathing of it could consume the fire of a thousand burning suns.) Everyone is saying that now is the time to buy real estate, not rent, as there are apparently a lot of good deals out there these days, not to mention a hefty tax write-off in the new stimulus package. But we don't have any real money to put a down payment on a place. (Apparently that used to not be a problem. Our life is an adventure in irony - we could have bought a place easily when we couldn't really afford it and now that the actual homes are more affordable we're mortgage poison.) Doesn't matter; we're happy to stay renters for now. After all when you rent, the leaky faucets, ancient windows and insect infestations are someone else's problem! (Except when they're not. See any previous entries for examples of why the apartment we live in now is a horror that is worse than even the Amityville house and each day brings a fresh piece of hell upon us.)

It's still a little bit early to be looking, but I'm starting to poke around online to see what's available. For the most part I'm pretty encouraged; seems like there's a fair amount of stuff in our price range in neighborhoods with a low stabbing probability. Then last night I saw a listing that I knew was too good to be true. It was a Pennsylvania Avenue condo for rent, 2 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, laundry, dishwasher, blah di blah di blah. The listing had these gorgeous photos of this beautiful space with these cherry wood floors, marble counters, brand new appliances, the works. At $1200 a month. Okay, $1200 a month is less than we're paying now for one bedroom. $1200 a month wouldn't get you a spacious gutter around here, unless you're willing to share it with a homeless lady and a few feral cats. I said to myself, "This has got to be a joke. But! I will email just to see."

Hello,

Thanks for taking the time to look at my property.My name is Dorothy Parker,I'm 48 years old,I'm a construction engineer and I'm the owner of this condo(2 bedrooms,2 bathrooms,1100 square footage) .I lived in this beautiful condo for over 5 years and loved every day of it.It's located at 2401 Pennsylvania Ave NW Washington, DC 20037 .Situated just down the avenue from the White House and with all of the city’s cultural and historic elements just steps away, 2401 Pennsylvania Avenue is truly the crown jewel of residential properties in Washington, DC. The condo is fully furnished with all necessary amenities(exactly like in the pics),Brazilian cherry floors; Luxurious kitchen with Viking appliances, large kitchen island and Poggen Pohl cabinets; master bedroom/master bath includes an oversized marble soaking tub and separate shower; California Closets walk-in closet in master bedroom; Second bedroom/den with second full bath.The unit is equipped with recessed lighting, central air and heat, the condo come with two parking spots,a storage unit where you can deposit my furniture (if you don't like it and you want use your furniture),there is also a linen closet, and most importantly, a new front loading stacked washer and drier.Pets allowed.I've moved to United Kingdom with my job (i am a construction engineer) and decided to
rent it because the rent is very expensive here.The price is so low because I'm here and is very hard to find a tenant.I can rent you the condo for min. 1 month and max. 6 years(or more).I really want to find a good and responsible tenant for it, and I hope that you can send me some personal information about yourself.The rent of the condo for 1 month is $1200 including all utilities(water,electricity, Internet,cable, parking,air conditioning, fireplace, dishwasher, garbage) and I want to receive the money monthly in my bank account.You can move in the condo in the same day when you receive the keys. The only problem is that I`m the only person who has the keys and I have nobody in United States that could show you the condo.In order to check it,see if you like it(I'm sure that you'll love it),you need to receive the keys and the contract. Obviously we need a way to complete this deal in a safe and fast way for both.The solution is provided by National Association of Realtors (www.realtor.com) which will handle the payment and delivery of the Keys . A friend of mine moved here from California and used the company to resolve the same problem . This procedure allow you to pay the rent only after you will receive the keys,after you will see it, decide if you will stay in the condo or not( I will receive the payment after you'll check the condo).
Please click on the link bellow to the National Association of Realtors (NAR) website to see how we can complete the deal in a safe way, directly from the website of the company where the procedure is explained:
http://www.realtor.com/Basics/AllAbout/Bookshelf/Escrow.asp
If you want to know more about how this deal can work please get back to me ASAP and I will send you the details step by step.

Regards,
Dorothy Parker

First of all, Dorothy Parker, (if that is in fact your real name - and I have my doubts), everyone pretends to be living in England when they're trying to scam someone. Secondly, there is this newfangled invention called Google. When one types in an address, one can search all sorts of information about that address, such as the going rental rates for the building. A two bedroom apartment at 2401 Pennsylvania Avenue starts at $4400 a month and goes up to $6500. (I have no idea why one two bedroom apartment would cost more than $2,000 more than another two bedroom apartment in the same building but this is a little beyond my purview. I would not spend between $4400 and $6500 a month on rent, not even if it included daily massage and a pantsless Matt Damon to cook our meals for us (and at those prices, it had better). But that is not the point. The point is that I suspect that you, Ms. Parker, are trying to pull a fast one. You are taking me for an idiot and I do not appreciate that one bit. Most people wait months after meeting me to decide that I'm an idiot and that is a consideration that I would insist on in a landlord, even a celebrated wit, Algonquin Round Table poet, short story authoress (and now, apparently, construction engineer?) such as yourself.

Good day, Ms. Parker.

I said good day!

Nancy don't play that, either.

Remember how Damon Wayans as Homey the Clown used to swing a sock full of change upside people's heads and say, "Homey don't play that." Well, today the United States congress has delivered the equivalent of a sock full of change to the heads of the AIG execs.

Via the Associate Press:

WASHINGTON – Acting with lightning speed, the Democratic-led House has approved a bill to slap punishing taxes on big employee bonuses from firms bailed out by taxpayers. The vote was 328-93. Said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi: "We want our money back and we want our money back now for the taxpayers."

Oh, no they di-int!

Love it. Love everything about it. These dudes did all sorts of really shady, really stupid things, that contributed at least in part to the whole financial crapcake we now find ourselves eating. And now they want cash bonuses? For real? After they helped blow up the global economy? Do you realize that we as Americans can no longer look British people in the eye, even if we wanted to!??! No. Now is the time for us to channel Tony Soprano and go in there and take it. (Stopping short, of course, of having them whacked.) Who cares if it's constitutionally questionable, Mike Pence, R - Ind.? Don't be a hater! After all, they asked some of them to give the money back and only half of them did. And that half probably only did it because they're tired of waking up to bags of flaming poop on their porches. Who cares? Get the money back.

I wish all injustices could be publicized to this extent. I love public outcries. I want more of them. There would be a lot less adultery, check bouncing and b.o. if people were afraid of getting their names splashed all over the evening news. And fewer smelly check-bouncing cheaters is change we can all believe in.